My long path to transitionioning

I've known that I am a boy since my very early childhood. When I was three years old I remember trying to pee while standing up making my mom going insane. I remember hating being dressed in dresses and wearing a ribbon and my hair being girly but not willing to look like this led to yelling and scolding. When I was a little bit older I hated playing with other girls, I hated playing with dolls. I enjoyed my little cars, Lego and I was fascinated by soldiers/warriors and fantasy creatures. Unsurprisingly I ended up being a gamer (whom I am till today). I was hardcore gamer of card games and video games and there was no time for anything girly. Unfortunately my parents always wanted a girl and so they continued treating me as a girl. Outside of my adoptive family people saw me as a boy, those that knew that I am in fact a girl hated me because I simply wasn't a girl. I was simply too odd for people around me. Being Asian and being trans was something that made me the target of daily violence. I was beaten everyday and no one has ever done anything about it. I didn't understand what was going on, I only felt the physical pain that was inflicted and very deep sadness. There wasn't anyone I could confide in. My parents obviously didn't take my mental health seriously (not my physical one) and my protests against anything girly just fell flat.

When in public, people always assumed I was a boy. When I needed to use a restroom I was being sent to the men's room which was also happening with a locker room which caused me enough trauma for life too. While being treated as a boy worked well for me, it unfortunately sooner or later ended up badly because the truth about my body was made public. It was usually my parents who came starting to claim that this boy is a girl and I should be treated that way. I became suddenly an impostor or someone not thinking straight and no one took me seriously. At that time I was just me and I didn't understand why people would treat me differently when they saw me as boy or when they saw me as a girl.

Things got even worse when I entered puberty. I may have not gone through puberty emotionally (because of how dysfunctional our family is) but I went through it physically.The fact that my first period showed up when I was 9 didn't help things much. My mother was out of her mind when I told her and I was out of my mind later when I learned what period actually is. I hated my periods. I suffered a lot. I was in a lot of pain (I was literally tearing my skin and hear off during that time) and I cried because I somehow felt that this should not be happening to me. I didn't care much about the pain itself even though when I was told (I was yelled at) to stop hurting myself and stop crying I felt sad because no one understood my pain. When I thought things couldn't get any worse my breasts started to grow. I hated my breasts and my butt maybe even more than having a period each month. My body was causing me a lot of distress and I made sure to hide it when I went outside. I couldn't present manly in front of my parents so I silently suffered and pretended to be a girl.

My mom would always make remarks that made me feel even worse. My breast size is AA (which may be small for women in general, but that size still didn't help with my dysphoria) and my mother wanted me to show my breasts and make them bigger so people would notice them. This was making me cry inside. I was supposed to show my curves, walk like a woman, use make up and do something with my hair. I really wanted to cut my hair short and there was no way I'd stop walking the way I walked.

At this time there were many other things that made a total mess in my head. Once again I remembered that there should be something between my legs and that thing should not be used only to piss. I started to get horny and I wanted to grab that thing so badly and jerk it off. Well, I didn't find penis between my legs (and secretly hoped it would still grow there) but there was clitoris that I could stimulate. I did that by humping stuff and rubbing it. The fact that I had vagina is something I totally ignored. That hole between my legs? I had no idea why I have it. Never put my finger there and wished I hadn't have it. There was one last aspect I was expecting and that was cumming. Even though I had no idea what that is at the time I really felt like there should be something coming out of my body when I orgasm.

Apart from trying to find penis between my legs almost all the time there was one more thing that bothered me. I started to be physically attracted to girls and couldn't explain why. I think you can understand that I didn't say a word about all this to my mother. She knew something was wrong so from time to time I received a book about love and sex which I promptly put somewhere where it wouldn't stare at me (it usually had a naked couple on the front cover). Going outside in summer, seeing all the scantily clad girls made me wet every time and I couldn't deny that I'm attracted to them. For some reason though I pretended to be straight.

After receiving information about love and sex my mother was also trying to make me look attractive and urged me to find a boyfriend and later have a child. That pressure was really big and I later found one victim I could consider my boyfriend. I liked him, he liked me but our relationship didn't work right from the beginning. He saw a girl in me and that's what he wanted me to be. I just couldn't be and I hated being treated like that. We stayed together for a long time and he is very a dear person to me but we couldn't stay together. He needs a woman and I need a woman.

I had another failed relationship in which I decided to try to be a woman. It ended in total catastrophe, me without any money, without my business, without a place to live. The one thing that was clear is I wasn't a woman and since that day I never wanted to try to be one.

When I tried looking for a job I found out that being Asian and being trans is quite a problem. When looking for a flat to rent I found out that the people don't want this kind of a person in their place either. I was lost, I was defeated. I realized that I do not belong anywhere unless I suddenly become white or a woman. In the end I was saved by a friend of mine (who fell in love with me) and he deserves big thanks for saving my life.

Fast forward a decade. I was surviving on money I earned by playing Magic: The Gathering and later by trading with Magic cards. There was no way for me to enter the society, I was incompatible. I was desperate but I couldn't find help. One day I had enough and was ready to commit a suicide attempt for the third time. A friend brought me to a hospital where I stayed for several months.

I had a lot of time to thing about things and I felt like I got a second chance. I tried to figure out what that meant and in the end I realized that if I want to try to live in this society and feel myself I will have to switch back to who I used to be. To the carefree boy that didn't pretend to be anyone else. When I got released from the hospital I started transitioning and my life changed. I finally got to be who I am and even though I struggle with life in general I can now face it in a body is in line with my mind.

Thank you for reading
Ren